MOVED

I've moved my personal blog to blog.bradcupples.com
Go there and have your life changed forever.

www.bradcupples.com

Brother Bailey Blog

I created a blog for news and info about

"Brother Bailey’s Pageant of Moral Supremacy and Creation Science Island Jamboree"
go there now: brotherbailey.wordpress.com

Audition info posted.

Creation Museum, consider yourself on notice!

World Premiere

by Brad Cupples

Cincinnati Fringe Festival 2009

May 26 - June 6

Conveniently less than 15miles from The Creation Museum in Northern Kentucky

"Binky and Simone have a kameah-meah super problem! If they don't get an "A" in the science fair they're gonna end up in summer school locked away from all the other Beach Buddy Tagalongs. What's standing in their way? SCIENCE. But luckily Brother Bailey is here to get rid of those pesky science "standards" and replace them with popular moral opinion, I just hope that's enough to keep that fuddy-duddy of a shark at bay."

My Adventure to "Friendly Frank's Famous Flea Market" located at the Jackson-Madison County Fairgrounds

My Adventure to "Friendly Frank's Famous Flea Market" located at the Jackson-Madison County Fairgrounds

First, may I say, I made this trip as a purely educational fact-finding mission and had absolutely no intention of parting with a single dollar, but 600 thread count sheets for $20 does tempt me. Naturally there must be something shifty about this, but do I care? Twenty bucks is quite worth a chance on a set of sheets. Especially when they are the kind of sheets that take away all of your problems and force you into a comfortable night of sleep whether you like it or not. (My current sheets seem to mock me as if saying "really? you again... fine. whatever.") Even if these are rank forgery 300 ct sheets in a libelous packaging it's still a decent deal. And lets face it they are very likely just stolen goods, right? In which case they would be the real thing. Maybe, maybe not. Could be too good to be true, but again it's only twenty bucks. Obviously this is a sensible investment, and that's how they get you.

Of course there is another more ominous factor... I would be spending money at the flea market. Can I sleep with a good conscience, knowing I have done business with such an odious enterprise? Is there any way that the luxury of 600 thread count sheets can suffocate the feeling of distress and panic that will rouse you in the night because you've supported the wayward and wrongful lifestyles of itinerant kitsch trinket merchants?
I couldn't. I could not take that chance. I didn't go to the Friendly Frank's to be tempted; I went for the reason I do most things. General mockery and the freedom to be amused and entertained as I scribble notes as quickly as possible with no regard for those around me.

There are cardboard boxes, most of which seem to have at one time shipped fresh bananas, now holding beaten packages of over-the-counter medications, deodorants, and make-up. And the yokels are searching through them as though a golden chest is somewhere within. one table reads "Anything on this table 25¢", NOTHING on that table should cost twenty-five cents. Whatever company it is that makes the wealth of bland uninteresting decorative angel figurines deserves to be sentenced for their crimes against aesthetics. (I type this in my grandmother's living room which contains no less than five of these monstrosities). On the far edge of the flea market I see a man selling vacuum cleaners out of a van. he has a sign that says they are guaranteed for a year... Is that a manufacturers guarantee or do you just find him somewhere along I-40 and bring your documentation?

Often the most jarring sites are the incongruous mixtures of products for sale. The camouflage laden gentleman operating next to "vacuum charlie" saw nothing unusual in the sale of mattress covers and pecans, and why should he? For years I've said "When, when will be the day when I can purchase a questionable mattress pad and a ziplock bag full of pecans from a shopkeep whom prefers to hide amongst the trees and leaves and let his products speak for themselves" Clearly my prophetic dream has finally come to pass. This is the flea market. What is the appeal of this place? (beyond oddity and sheets... mmmm sheets.) Inside I see a leopard print cat bed. yikes. Diabetic socks, because apparently the treatment for difficulty in absorbing glucose as caused by insufficient production of insulin is going to be availed by a clever knee sock. I spot another table, this one quite crowded, that features guns, knives, swords, and fake dog feces. --clearly they cater to an elite clientele. Lots of people are selling VHS tapes, because surely somebody is still watching those, right? C'mon they're only outdated by what two major video formats (assuming we aren't counting direct digital downloads). Another stand sells "homade budder" or bizzarely thick looking home-made flavored butter from unpasteurized cow milk. The "budder" comes in a variety of colors all in mason jars and having the consistency somewhere between cottage cheese and molasses. NOTE: none of this seemed to be refrigerated either. In a corner a woman was drawing what was hoped to be whimsical cartoon caricatures, though in actuality they were bizarrely similar looking profiles, all of which seemed to be either riding in a race car or golfing. Her variety was striking. Almost as striking as the hemp "drink carriers" she was selling in addition to the sketches. How often does a 20 oz. bottle of water require a shoulder harness? This would-be hippie had all the marks of a woman who after her childless divorce had gone back to school, in this case Jackson State Community College, at the age of forty (coincidentally also the number of cats she owns) to study an unspecified "art" in hopes of recapturing her lost dreams and wayward ambition, that in reality never existed.

Next to Artsy-McArt-ington sat my natural enemy, the Chiropractor. For the sake of simplicity I'm just going to quote the skeptic's dictionary here to explain my animosity towards such blatant quackery.
"The basic idea of classical chiropractic is that "subluxations" are the cause of most medical problems. According to chiropractic, a "subluxation" is a misalignment of the spine that allegedly interferes with nerve signals from the brain. However, there is no scientific evidence for spinal subluxations and none have ever been observed by medical practitioners such as orthopedic surgeons, neurosurgeons, or radiologists. Chiropractors think that by adjusting the misalignments they can thereby restore the nerve signals and cure health problems. This idea was first propounded in 1895 by D. D. Palmer, a grocer from Davenport, Iowa, and a vitalist who considered intelligent energy to be conveying information among various body parts."
I made quite a few circles past the Chiropractor's table. He was offering "free computer health scans" Crikey, why doesn't my regular college educated doctor ever rely on the quick and easy "computer health scan" to check me out. On the first pass I overheard him say, and I grant this is quite possibly very much out of context "you aren't in the police are you?", on another swing by I heard him diagnose lactose intolerance from his magical all knowing health computer.

On the opposing corner was a table with a truly baffling sign "Sublimation while you wait". For a split second, I thought he was in cahoots with the chiropractor, but then I read it again "Sublimation" not "Subluxation". I thought I was a bit off, but a check of the dictionary came to my aide –

Sublimate
verb (used with object)

1.	Psychology. to divert the energy of (a sexual or other biological impulse) from its immediate goal to one of a more acceptable social, moral, or aesthetic nature or use.

2.	Chemistry. a. to sublime (a solid substance); extract by this process. b. to refine or purify (a substance).

3.	to make nobler or purer: To read about great men sublimates ambition.

"Sublimation while you wait" it wasn't meant to be ironic, at least I don't think so. Quite bizarre. In reality this vendor was there to take a digital photo of you and then decoupage it onto a piece of wood or a plate... while you wait. Maybe he inteded to create a new word from sub and laminate? I have no idea. But in no way does a decoupaged photo of a two year old covered in snot and a smeared crust of "homade budder" about his pate denote nobility or purity, much less aesthetic value.

Another table had the alarmingly unsettling sign "child sized geisha outfit". which in fact pointed to a small kimono. Another brandished a professional airbrusher. airbrushing? is it 1991? seriously. And of course there was the requisite table of hand crafted wooden decorations, all made lovingly by a psychopath in his woodshed whilst taking a break from writing apocalyptic rants on the walls using his own feces. He had an assortment of birdhouses and a portfolio of other wooden crafts he had built in his "medically prescribed" spare time (and/or moments of lucidity) He also sold bouquets of flowers made from painted wood chips. When I stoped ever so briefly to take note of them he poped out at me like a drug-addled jack-in-the-box "Magical, just magical aren't they. Go ahead smell them if you like."

Another realization Pentecostals LOVE funnel cake. I saw many a Pentecostal woman milling about and few were the ones who did not have a plate of steaming deep-fried dough buried beneath an avalanche of powdered sugar. I saw one woman anxiously rifling through her nonsensically large purse in the funnel cake line. (because such treats apparently induce lines)

"Is that your church money?"
"yes, that's my church money."
"well --here, just take part of mine."
"No- I need my funnel cake."

There was a clearly audible desperation in that need. Here's a question: How do Pentecostals justify dressing like complete and total fucking morons? Seriously, if a magical sky-god demands the female dress code to be: Denim ankle length skirts and bizarrely coiffed giant hair-dos then, surprise! You should realize your god is a complete fucking idiot with the taste and intelligence of an aborted chimpanzee fetus. Do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars.

The last leg of my tour took me to a stand that sold pretty much anything and everything with a confederate flag on it. I can't say I was surprised to see this, just a little shocked at the various forms of tat containing this antiquated and unwelcome symbol. T-shirts, blankets, hats, potholders, baby bibs, and oven mitts. People in the south generally say, "the Confederate flag isn't about racism, it's about heritage" These people are also generally known as half-wits, simpletons, or "Jerry's Kids". And their knowledge and understanding of history is also seriously at question here.

Nearby I found a man poised in an aluminum chair presiding over a group of boxes sitting directly on the ground. What should be in these boxes, you ask? Why at that height clearly this was prime real-estate for childrens' toys and there were plenty, water-guns, Spider-man pencil sets, bouncy balls... all conveniently located right next to the box of loosely sheathed assorted military knives. Not Swiss Army Knives, mind you, but serious four inch bladed knives ready for the next Rambo or Birdhouse making nut-job to go on a slice and dice spree.

The flea market returns every month, and I am very tempted to go back, no not for the hopes of seeing a child lose a finger to the box-o-knives, and not see how long it takes before someone realizes that the "caricature artist" can only draw three different profiles, and not even for those sheets... well not entirely for the sheets and their 600 threads of comfort, I will be kicking myself forever until I see exactly how a computer health scan works and if i can get a copy to run on XP.

More oddity that can only come from the cesspool of Jackson TN.
From the Classifieds page of the Jackson Sun
Back from some point 2001-2003 I think.

I love that someone actually paid money to have this ad printed. That's the sort of raging impotent fury that is reserved only for the elderly. Shame on your male person indeed!

World Premiere May 2008 Cincinnati OH
Directed by Michael Hatton

http://www.cincyfringe.com/

Destrudo

I originally wrote this in response to the same nonsensical remark that sparked the creation of my play The Chester County Automaton(s) When a feeble minded idiot whom I shall not name uttered the phrase "What should I be feeling about this? I don't know how to feel right now" it seems more accurate now than it did at the time, which is good as it was basically a quickly written angry letter that I wrote to myself to keep from punching things -BC

Destrudo: A Manifesto Against Incompetence

Wherein I will discuss my thoughts on the irrational emotional lack of logic and reason that seems all to prevalent in our society.

I'm seething with a white-hot raging fury. I am on the edge of a terrific precipice that leads to the short path of unleashing my blinding rage on an unexpecting and unprepared public. Whats more I am stupefied, no, utterly incredulous at what I am seeing ballied about in front of me. I am trying to grasp the simplistic illogical emotional ramblings of a people whose motivations are so ridiculously unobtainable to me that I have grown furious that people of this sort are allowed to coexist with their intellectual superiors. Frankly its time for genocide. I know it, you know it, the only ones who have yet to figure this out are the slack-jawed sheep grazing on the time and patients of progress. (I would estimate this to be 90% of the population)

The world in which we currently survive is a miasma of melodramatic romanticism and over ripe self-psychosis. People have developed a sense of self worth far beyond what should ever be permitted by casual introspective thought. We have cultivated a society so bent on its pursuit of arrogance and egotheism that in all actuality it is amazing that it hasn't collapsed on its own love of its self. People are in a constant pursuit of pleasure with little to no thought of the cause and effect implications of their life. The mien of a carefree veneer should at least be their calling card, but instead they bemoan their simplistic inadequacies and soon the smallest infraction unto them is the strife of a thousand years blown to an outrageous proportion. An observance of total indifference is seen as a hatred, for in this world there is no room for indifference only hatred and joy. It is a monotone view of reality in which relevance is consistently placed on the popular choice as opposed to any thought reached from reasoning. We live in a culture of wretched extremes.

I am overly fatigued with people and their feelings and even more-so their constant need to express and validate them on the general populace. Why exactly do these moronic sheep amble through their days demanding attention and cohesion? From me they will get none of this. I can, and will firmly state that my tolerance for the meager yawps of a people too sullied by their own rudimentary urgings and animalistic cravings to be able to see beyond their own temporary satisfaction are quiet finished. Feel free to come back when you've read a book... preferably something of intellectual weight and not ridiculous commercial drivel.

Viva La Revolution,
Brad

More Quotes

More quotes from the files.......

Continuing posting from my collection of bizzare quotes from the year 2000 to the present

i've created more poop outta my ass than god created the earth

-BB (on creationism)

I was taken advantage of by a drunken slutty jewish dominatrix.

-BC

So do we know the Village People were gay? --well, I mean everybody dressed like that in the 70's.

-BB

He said three things to me, two were ridiculously jealous and then... he has a large collection of dildos

-BB

One was a wet dream about Popeye and Olive Oil

Oh i wish i had whores in my pockets... small ones.

If you want to come over to the dark side you have to come through me

-BB

It wadn't no argument, it was more like an exchange of smartassin'

-Moron-face

Damn that's screwed up... Paper cuts us, but if you try to cut paper with paper --it don't.

-Moron-face

(rubs hands on door... smells them)

(defeated sigh)

I ain't gonna never get my hands clean, under my fingernails... hell, I'll be 80 years old when they get clean

-Moron-face

Yeah she's alright to a point but nothing I'd particularly care to shove my ding-a-ling into.

-Moron-face

On Mondays we, you know how I told ya about Judy comin' over and messin' around. And that what we do on Mondays. Well now she's wanting to set up shit for Wednesdays and she wants me to pick the girl. It just ain't easy findin' a girl who wants her ass licked, or her puss. Ya know well she's on top of me... (he realizes as he's been talking I've furiously been scribbling... though still doesn't realize what I've been writing) You aren't interested in any of this kinda shit are ya?

-Moron-face

I don't know what got her into that shit. we broke up for uh... like four months, and when we got back together she was all liken' girls. I think sometimes maybe she like girls more than ding-a-lings.

-Moron-Face

I saw that car and I bullshit you not I got a hard-on you can bounce on like a fucking pogo-stick. That's how much I wanted it. I mean, it's like, have you ever wanted something so bad you would do anything?

-Moron-face

1st that's a Sunday. When I get off I'm gonna go up there that day. I want to be one of the first, the very first people in line to see the Yugioh movie

-Moron-face

People is always saying "you're 28 you need to stop watching kids cartoons", I say there's just some things I like.
“you're 28 you need to grow up” you want to tell that to Kelsey shes 7 yrs old and still watches Barney --God I hate the purple queer

-Moron-face

I threw a cigarette out the window, and I don't know, how but it went out my window and came around the passengers side and burned me.

-Moron-face

She makes Misty look like Mary Poppins

I always ended up peeing on myself...

-b sulivan

Not everyone knows how to play poker but everyone knows how to watch porn and pleasure themselves

I only fucked him because he was in my bed

-BB (on explaining why he's not a slut)

They played a prank on me how could I be so snookered!

-BB

BB: so, how large is the vagina

JC: well it depends... usually six inches is that good enough an asnwer?

BB: It doesn't matter to me

-Brian and Janis Casseiere

(Leaning back on bed with hand over head dramatically) Oh what makes me so desirable?

-BB

because one time... we did jack-off... together... in a tent

-BB

I saw a production of hair and you know in that one song where everybody is naked.... but it was beautiful. and there were breasts and I even thought that was beautiful.

-BB

Honey I fuck you in the ass all the time I'm gay. I let you fuck me in the ass all the time. there's no part of me that's straight.

-BB (Trying to subdue Leeds jealousy over a hot girl in a movie)

So let me get this straight, She watching gummi bears and bouncing here and there and everywhere... and you're at home watching pride and prejudice and crying your eyes out. --Damn being smart.

-Scott Conley

Sort socks or vote the choice is yours.

-Mastriani

Years worth of quotes

Obviously everything hasn't been typed yet. I'm still finding things in various notebooks and index cards... but this covers most of 2000-to the present and I'd say almost all of the 03-04 period

Shut your dingy ass up and when I say dingy I mean your IQ & the fact that you are the size of a sea worthy vessel

-Lindasy Mitchell ( about Beth)

The Dollar went down because of Powerade

-Mr. Bruhn

You can’t wear a long sleeve shirt AND a jacket together

Blondes are Blondes and that’s it.

It’s like ear sex….

John “Audobon” Emery

G-school 2001

Total Incompetence is not an excuse

Ms. Baker is an angry white woman

Paul IS the pimpin’ pilgrim

If you notice, morons move in heards

If you are Dave Bova you only need $4 – you can attain the rest from the 3 guys you are juggling

Ice cream shouldn’t be that hard to eat

-Kathryn

Off with the shirt chief

-Bova

Now I know what it’s like to be Mr. Bova’s boyfriend.

-JW

Jesus exists, circles don’t.

-Steve

I’m not wearing pants, am I?… I’ll put them on outside.

-JW (Before exiting the dressing room to find the ENTIRE GSFTA staff outside at end of hall waiting)

….An incredibly late night at John’s Dorm with Ian, last night at G-School. John is Temporarily insane and only vaugely coherent from sleep deprivation...circa about 2am...

Cheeze-whiz is a fine adhesive

JW

If you are going to obsess learn the persons name

JW

My Brown Package Utensil is in pieces, F-it.

JW

I’m not wearing Harry Potter underwear… right now

-Ian

Call you a railroad and work you all the live long day –not necessarily a sexual comment

Dinah won’t you blow your horn – IS a sexual comment. Disgusting.

JW

My toes remind me of someone’s sternum

JW

Gilbert and Sullivan both had Sternums. Mr. Bova has a big sternum, Mr. Robbns has a little one.

JW

Little Birdies eat cake – after they make it, of course

JW

YOU…You are Fire

JW

I want to marry spiderman

JW

There’s a penny in my pillow!!

JW

I have NEVER licked paper before.

JW

Elton John is gay as a dollar

JW

Brian Lenville and Miranda are going out to the movies on dates when they want to see movies

JW

Sprite cans are written much like Entertainment Magazines

JW

Sprite is gay because Halle Berry took off her top

JW

Carrie Strug is HOTTTTT

JW

Leanne Rhimes isn’t an Olympic medallist… but she did sue her father

-JW

I fell for a Catholic Jew

-JW

Space Bags Suck… The air out of the junk

-infomercial

What the Hell is Smack the Pony?

- BC questioning really lame band on late night show in g-school lounge

Are we sure that Napkin-Bigfoot is really the Greatest band in the world?

-BC

All pictures must have a point

-Ian

I needed to find out how being Canadian effects my career

-question from late late late late infomercial

There are Strange things done in the midnight sun

-Ian

Russians do know how to form pyramids

-infomercial

(In refernce to Silent Movie actresses apparently unable to speak english)

First Movie w/ sound came out and NYA NYA NYA comes out

-Bruhn

Poor People eat potatoes, why? Because you can do anything with a potato.

-Art Bruhn

(As he conspiratorially closes the blinds)

Now look class, You make not like it, but it's happening. And they may be coming to take our jobs and our money and culture but we're gonna have to get used to it.

Who?

Mexicans

-Art Bruhn

First car in Florida with no heater

-Art Bruhn

Now look gang Im not a racist, , and I would even invite him over to the house of course he wasn't allowed inside, because that's just not what we did back then. But we'd pass him a piece of chicken throught the window.

-Art Bruhn

$20 to Brad Cupples From Sam Reno if John West is Completey Straight (no experimenting) by the time he graduates.

My Last Lover by Brian Bailey… We met at boy scout camp.

I think sex before marriage is immoral but… *crazy grin* I think it would be fun

-BB

You guys have never been to a hog-roast? What?!?! You guys have NEVER been to a hog-roast?!

-BB First night out at Applebee’s Freshman

You’re fags, you’re all fags

B.B. as we drop him off at his car

So I said yes I’ll castrate you in my next show

What??

I said I ‘ll cast you in my next show… You freshman are so jumpy these days

-Joe

Oh… they’re just havin’ a good ole time out there!

-BB commenting on Twelfth Knight antics.

Yeah, because white stuff come out of your eyes you know.

-Mcoy

That’s good Adam, now stay with us.

-B. Robertson to Adam Lake

Adam Lake: And I’m like I’m gonna go slit my wrists now…

B. Robertson: Good! (pause) I mean… yeah, Adam, go ahead and slit your wrists. Heh heh

I’m a risk taker I went to Europe

-Kubiak

I’m gonna be the next tom cruise

-Guy in essentials of tar class

Guys play cards with me!

-Kubiak to other guards ONSTAGE

Hatton: Is anyone else having any major problems?

Kubiak (trying to get Mike Hatton’s attention): Hey… Mike… um, yeah… Mike… umm Mike, My Helmet…

Hatton: Yeah Mike?

Kubiak: Yeah my helmet doesn’t fit.

-Thus Kubiak stops a La Mancha dress rehersal because his helmet doesn’t fit.

You know what it feels like to get hit in the head with a pike?

(beat)

I do.

(beat)

It hurts

(beat)

a lot.

-Kubiak on getting hit in the head with a pike

Some goathead…(valley girl voice) “Oh, yeah… I’m gonna be a moviestar… the next Tom Cruise...” Yeah we’ll see how long that lasts. I’m guessing next year… see ya.

-Joe (for the record Tom Cruise guy didn’t come back the next semester –but I did get a copy of his Christian rock band’s demo cd before he left)

Chris Wesselman: If you drink Pepsi or Coke & throw up, it looks like there’s blood in your vomit & they’ll take you to the doctor.

(beat)

(beat)

BC: Who is “they”?

-Wesselman’s medical advice 2002

Well I hope he’s gay he’s a good lookin’ guy

-BB

She sounded attractive but she’s clearly incompetent

-JW

Ashcraft: Passion…passion play – About the – Passion Play?

(Sam Stops)

(Starts Walking again)

Ashcraft: The Passion Play…

Sammy Z: Are you Talking to me?

-Brandon Ashcraft (trying to ask a question though obviously Sam isn’t listening)

Dennying Reason and refusing to use one's judgement does not lead to happiness. The issue of whether there is a God or not can be settled now. There is a lot to lose by believing in a God. You lose the ability to solve your own problems. You lose a lot of time spent in churches or prayer. You lose the confidence and clear thinking which comes from knowing that you are responsible for your own behavior and actions. Even if there were a God, and you believed in his existence, which religion would you follow? Suppose you believed in God but picked the wrong religion to follow? What would happen to you in the afterlife?

- Dr. Gordon Stein.

Artistically Artistic in Matters that don't Matter.

-BC

Complete Incompetence is not an excuse.

-BC

Dildos from Antiquity

-Dr. Sammy Z feelgood

I’m Brian Bailey and I play gus in Babes in Arms and I’m a feisty sonofabitch --- And I like it!

-BB in mic check

(In regards to his lactose intolerance)

It's pretty bad when I have to eat cereal out of a box...with my hand.

-Moron-face

People say you have to drink milk to have strong bones...Hell I got some strong-ass toenails...thick as hell.

-Moron-face

I bullshit you not, them damn planes flying together looked like damn UFO's flying all in sequential... In-formation

-Moron-face

(In reference to radio show about moon landing being fake)

That'd be like you sayin' you made a Jetpack to fly to the moon, an' you did, and then they said you didn't, but you really did.

-Moron-face

Is Mike Miller Jewish?

I dunno

Why would he say "Shalom"

Well he is Mike Miller maybe he was being absurd.

That's possible....but it's so bizarre

It would be like him though.

True... But it's just so bizarre.

-Megan Colthorpe and Katie Sabin reading Piece of My Heart Program

(In regards to an old girlfriend that lived out in the country)

Man, it was like back in the Beverly Hillbillies time

-Moron-face

Since when was it we stopped makin' them be slaves?

1860's end of the civil war.

18 or 1960's?

-Moron-face

(In reference to my querry about pay)

It's different on hollidays and they don't count them pidly ass hollidays like April Fool's day.

-Moron-face

What made the Bald Eagle start turning extinct?

Deforestation, lack of land and food...

I did a report on 'em when I was in el-e-ment'ry school.

-Moron-face

Whatever you do don't get old

(for the record he is 28)

-Moron-face

(Eng Class)

jg: I changed my topic.

me: to what?

jg: Cheating in couples.

<hot >

-Jade "Hot Meg Ryan" Gree

I ain't never seen that one yet neither

-Moron-face

(In regards to his High School rituals)

Power Rangers man I liked that. I couldn't watch that other crap that came on before I went to school that Sixty Minutes and all that shit. (Or what sane people call the News)

-Moron-face

P: What can I get you to drink

BC: She's already got it

P: (sideways and shifty) She's takin' out of turns again.... (walks away coldly)

-Peroxide at Perkins about new waitress

I’ve got a stomach for some very sick-uh-neeng stuff but I can’t even stomach that one there

-Moron-face

The movie Blue Thunder, it had to deal with this helicopter... The Blue Thunder...I don't know if you've seen it... Blue Thunder?

-Moron-face

Clamp a pair of vice-grips on your nuts and whistle and that's how high he talked.

-Moron-face

Don’t ever start havin’ them what do you call’em.. brainfarts, cause when you do start it’s over… I get ‘em every twenty minutes O’re something like that.

-Moron-face

Let a cobra him... yeah, he's alright, but let another style bite him. He may be immune to them but let some new kind...like a purple snake bite him... some shit we ain't never seen before. stuff that comes out when the moon turns green and they crawl out from underground...that'll get him.

-Moron-face

Some people say Unicorns ain't real but some of um say they wuz. Hell I figure someday they might find some Island somewhere...an hell I'd be affraid Id get a damn horn in my chest.

-Moron-face

I don't know how you like age but Lyn, I think she's about 36. Her damn tubes are tied cut and singed. She's got a thing, if you're with her for 2 months she'll do ANYTHING, suck your nuts, dick, ANYTHING ANYTIME. She'll do stuff even if you don't want her to do something. She'll catch you offguard to see if you like it...and sometimes you do...and sometimes you don't but that's some messed up shit.

-Moron-face

they say adam and eve was the first two people on earth. I say, then how'd they get all them other countries. They must have done a lot of screwing to get all them red skinned, yeller skinned, and black skinned people.

-Moron-face

Alien vs Predator comes out this year--- that's gonna be one hellacious movie. 'cause they both know how to start tearin' shit up.

-Moron-face

(In reference to the owl)

I bullshit you not, you can hear that fucker but you can't see him.

-Moron-face

They could rule out accidental death or fowl play whichever one isn't murderin'

-Moron-face

(as drops of sweat fall profusely onto my arm from his face)

You'll have to excuse me for being late I.... got held up... at McDonalds

-Tom Thadius Snow

Brian Bailey the singing Pope!

-My thoughts on ‘Invalid’

That Terminator 3, Mary say-ed it was a damn Row-baw-tik woman in it. I didn’t know there was a robotic woman. Hell she said she was kicking his ass. Well, she didn’t say that cause she’s one’a them real religious types

-Moron-face

There’s one thing I can tell ya about Mike McDaniels…(really long pause) He’s a dick.

-Moron-face

I bullshit you not, it was like King Kong, Bigfoot, Godzilla and some kind of giant Tarantuala went and took a fuckin' dump over there -that's how bad it smelled.

-Moron-face

You Know Predators have been here since the civil war, that's what happens in the first one.

-Moron-face

Sol-10 it’s like paint thinner, but it’s more baddasser. I could put like 4 drops in there and thin that shit out

-Moron-face in regards to a bottle of dried out white-out.

You’re called an omnivore not an atkins-a-vore

-Michael Savage

Red-Diaper-Doper-Baby

-Michael Savage’s term for liberals

Chaos World: No Escape?!?

-Jaime Bininger’s Ill fated TGIT

I says maybe some women ain’t so dumb

-Moron-face

I heard Russia ain’t Russia no more.

BC: It’s not the USSR anymore

When did that happen?

BC: The end of the cold war… fall of the Berlin Wall…

Oh, I knew about that, but I didn’t know Russia was a part of that.

-Moron-face

Annalyse is so scared of everything she’s like a little wood-land creature

-JW

tryin’ to call in WBN is like trying to go up and slap the fuckin’ president, and knowin’ how things are in the world now that wouldn’t be that difficult with all this politics happening.

-Moron-face

It chipped her… her beaver teeth, if you know what I mean. ---well, do ya?

-Moron-face

I almost beat the holy fuck out of him.

-Moron-face

I say turn the tables around like reverse ‘em that’s what they’d do to us. Like beatin’ us… hurtin’ us… terrorizing. --That shit.

-Moron-face

Hell that plan covers anything. if I wanted to get my nuts cut—it’d pay for it. If I needed my arm cut off and amputated –it’d pay for it.

-Moron-face

Cause ya know my grandma works in a bar down there. I don’t know which one, but I’m gonna find out… one’a these days.

-Moron-face

Mass call-offs, firing people like the military shoots off guns

-Moron-face

This is my baby, this is my son I want to be there when he, ya know, comes out of her.

-Moron-face

My ex-ole lady got me one a’ them

-Moron-face

I think the crookedst president we ever had was Bill Clinton.

BC: What about Nixon

What’d he do?

BC: Nixon? Watergate? i am not a crook?

Huh?

BC: he resigned from office…

I remember the presidents just not in order

-Moron-face –making no sense at all as per usual

See, I always thought for the longest time that George Washington was our first President

-Moron-face

Aw, that one was funny as hell, it was a comedy more or less

-Moron-face

He was folded up in truck and sleeping like a baby… like in a baby position… like a fecal position.

-Moron-face

Bush is the only Republican running isn’t he?

-Moron-face

They say they got a, like a, filter you can put on your gas tank so you can get 100 miles to a gallon. Imagine fillin’ up you’re ride on ‘at. Hell you got what, like a 20 gallon tank? Twenty times a hundred… hell figure that up and that's how far you could go. I ain’t to good at maths.

-Moron-face

Ahh Reading is Fun!

-BB on Bushisms

The Answer to your question lies in your understanding of the placenta

-Janis Cassiere or a magic 8-ball gone awry

“8-6-2004

If you’re having people on the

grounds while your working

please notify the Plant Supervisor

Before having people on the grounds

This was Spoken by Egon Norwell

Time: 22:50”

-Actual note left by J. Bullock at MSD Cincinatti

I never was much for readin’, I watched the cartoon…

-Moron-face on X-men

Wolverine with his sarcastic attitude –that made him who he is.

-Moron-face

I got lots’a games on my computer, I built it for games I got deer hunter, deer avenger, wacky wheels, deer hunter 2, duke nuke’em.

-Moron-face

The Body of Steve Schoefield

-Charlie Roetting on words that kept scrolling through his head in a dream

What the Fuck are They Doin’?

It’s the Clown Scene Bobby.

But... What the Fuck are They Doin’?

The Clown Scene

-Bobby Worrix terribly confused at Alyssa through the Glass rehersal–later to become his own personal catchphrase

Do you know Steven Hunter?

Better than you might think…

Charlie Roetting [with a secret?]

Im sorry I didn’t realize you were waiting. I was just back there… in the back playing w/ the stamps… Have you ever stopped to look at your stamps… I never really knew why people collected stamps… but… they’re, they’re like little pieces of art. Look at this one it’s a swan.

NKU post office guy sharing the beauty of the postage stamp.

I was wearin’ it, but it’s not my shirt.

Whose was it?

I don’t know it was here when we got here. I just put it on cause I was cold.

-Random Freshman in the lounge Fall 04--- luckily they never made

I thought scrotum was just another name for penis.

-BB 2 weeks from being a 21 yrold homosexual

“mom, how do they fit it in that little hole”

“they just do”

For years I thought gay sex was putting a penis into a penis

-John West relating his thoughts on gay sex when he was 6 yrs old

Oh you’ll only drink something someone hands you… Well here hold my dick and drink that.

-Big Star Warren Bryson

Well it’s not like you can say Misty, don’t shuffle about…

-Aaron Whitehead

BB: What was his name? Corn…Cornpone??

BC: Lee Calhoun?

BB: That’ll do.

Brian trying to remember the characters in Babes in Arms

I would pretend that I was tap-dancing on the freezer in my grandmother’s dairy bar

-BB

For the longest time I wanted to be a paleontologist. My Grandmother would show me off I could name a dinosaur for every letter of the alphabet

-BB

Well I just found out Jimmy [Hoppers] got a Blow-Job from his retarded uncle

-Lindsay Mitchell

2006…………………

Having gas is not fun when you have a dance belt on – You’re all corked up.

-BB

We had sex 3 or 4 times –it was intense then we went back to Barnes and Noble –and his mom picked him up.

-BB

It’s Brian and Rodney’s Neo Nazi Dance Party

` -Me

Out of the wall, off the box, whatever you want to say

-Mastriani

Lezlie: …Look my daddy is dead, you don’t have to tell me to be quiet

Hatton: I’ll take that as a “here”

Lezlie Dumbass Christian as Mad-Hatton takes role in Playscript

I’m still wrestling with what to call Danny he’s not the archetypal hero per say. But who are we to really ask these questions.

-Brandon Ashcraft sounding like an idiot… as per usual.

Now, let’s say you could watch channel nine… or the Mafia News Network, Watch it or you’re gonna die!

-Mastriani on Credibility… I think.

Reality shows ARE our lives

-Gay-ey Mc-Not-Gay in Tar Hist III

AB: I think if writing doesn't work out I can always be a painter

Sammy Z: like a house painter?

AB: No. Like an Artist, I've had a lot of people tell me they would by my paintings.

-Adam Bass sharing his ever-brilliant life plan with an indreulous Sam Zachary

Fun Facts with Denise: Sitcoms are like 19^th century comedy of Manners

SB: My Manager at work didn’t eat or drink in observance of…

Colthorpe: Yom Kippur…

SB: Yeah That one.

Stepahanie Brockman and Jewthorpe Tar His III

You can’t, You Can’t beat Chicken Little!

-BB

The earth’s really tilted tonight

-BB on the moon

I swear I think that cat is in love with me

-BB

Oh he does have a big Schnoze

It’s like Thomas Paine… or Du-rante

-BB on some tar hist person’s nose.

I feel like I’m dating Master Betty

-BB on Leeds

What about clocks? Had they been invented yet?

-Jen “Sky Taylor” /“Juice-box” Majewski on late 18^th century France

Fun Facts with Denise: Did you know that the shift from a more formal agriterean based society to a dense industrial economy in….yada,yada,yada

I knew this guy and there was this… uh… drunk driving wreck… and they had to put makeup on his hands to cover bruises I mean how many times do you have big bruises on your hands?

-Adam Lake

An Informative speech require more thought OR organization

-Mastriani. apparently one or the other will work, but both= overkill

They’ve got as many holes as a colander

-Matriani

As they say, “It ain’t obviously necessarily so”

…the jury sees the red stain on his pants and say “he must be guilty”… But the stain was paint!

-On Mastriani, Private Dick

The Mystery of the the speeding ticket… cloud vs lead weight

-On Mastriani, Private Dick

Apples and apples, not apples and kumkwats

-Mastriani

“I want to lick cough syrup off of you”… I mean, do you have a cold ?

-Lindsay Mitchell channeling Jerry Seinfeld to question Kristen’s tactics de la suductione

The crux of the pressure point of the play

-Brandon Ashcraft rambling into oblivion

Russian Theatre> Leo Tolstoy> Gandhi> Martin Luther King Jr> Rosa Parks> Law and Order(the tv show)> Leo Tolstoy

-The most ridiculously insane circle of random connections in Tar Hist II... Bravo Robertson. Bravo.

Costume changes began with the caveman who donned animal horns and furs to re-enact the hunt

-B. Robertson –losing my respect

William West= Master Betty, the Danny Bonaduchie of his day.

-B. Robertson

Speaking of costumes… we really wanted to carry the show on costumes.

I heard they actually had super-computers but they were destroyed

-Adam Lake on the Greeks

Megan brings up a good point inadvertently

-B. Robertson Tar Hist III inadvertently slamming the Jewthorpe

Fun Facts with Denise: Don’t you think it’s similar to the French Revolution

(in a discussion of Einstein and Frued’s influence on late 19^{th / early 20th} century realism)

She passed out on the bed… so we put her on the elevator.

Speech class guy

I was the laugh of the day, that day… but that’s pretty much everyday

-Katie Vickers in speech class.

Dart father of Trad Longaweigh

-actual name

Trey Burngasser

-another unfortunate name

Speech product presentation for “Magic Ginger: as a use for pregnant women to ease morning sickness”

Girl 1:…and She’ll be telling you who this product is targeted at

Girl 2: It’s mainly targeted at Women… usually pregnant… or men

Now by “Alien” do they mean black?

Gabe on speech about harvesting Colorful ExtraTerrestrials as Slave workers

JW:I never met anyone with pupils as big as me

Leah Beth: Pupils are good. I mean, you see good and stuff

Oh yeah, what about that Scopes versus Monkey trial

-BB

He… He talks about Butt sex… And in the crudest terms possible

-BB on Chris Karr

(googly eyes) I have a secret pile

-BB [for the record I cannot for the life of me remember what this was about]

Then my third brother would… Have you ever seen Dumbo? –that’s what we were reenacting!

-BB

They burned homosexuals and jews… which is unfortunate of course…

-Devlin in Tar Hist IV

Ah yes there’s a hog roast! My brothers graduation!

-BB

I would stick the American Flag in [my ass] but I wouldn’t fill it with anything.

-A.J. McFoley

Here’s my prophecy: There will be a day… when vending machines take debt cards

-BB

I’ve never been out of the country or even the Tri-State.

(a few minutes later while talking to someone else)

I was 14 when the whole 9/11 thing happened I was in New York on a class trip.

-weird religious old/young girl caught in a lie by me

You can dote on someone you have a crush on, You can dote on someone you have a deep relationship with, or someone that’s a purely platonic friend… Dote doesn’t mind

-T. Flem trying to explain the definition of “dote” to a group of blockheads

Fleet as Quick silver

-Auora book

When One is courting cole slaw for dinner

-Auora book

Peter Lawford was in movies and acting.

…well he’s dead now.

Alex’s Grandparents

I think it’s… uh, Irony because it’s called Happy Days and it isn’t very happy.

-Stephanie Brockman

We were like a perfect triangle… and I was the point.

(after questioning the logic of that statement)

Well it was like an isosceles triangle and with all of us there we came it came to full circle.

BB’s love “triangle” at SETC

Mike King: …There are those that just become theatre majors because they don’t want to work (and then Brandon Ashcraft walks into class fifteen minutes late…irony))

Has there ever been a suitcase about dance?

-BB(meaning lawsuit or court case)

When Dance is done, dance is done

-Denise Devlin

You know what sounds good? Coconut rum and sprite

Ewww

It’s actually really good.

I don’t like coconut

(dejected) I don’t either… But it’s actually really good.

You need to call my boyfriend and tell him to bring me some MF’n flowers

What Happened?

He’s never brought me flowers.

He hasn’t had a reason to

Still…

-two girls on the elevator

sex is a very mature thing and so is driving…

-Stephanie Brockman

I totally got “raped” in that scene

-Megan Colthorpe

Those men with their Panama Hats and white suits… I felt the warmth

-Denise Devlin (and her vagina)

Jet Lag, and it’s time to be getting out that little pot of paint and paint the town red – we painted the whole of Northern France, we did.

-T. Flem

I had cyber-sex with John Lovitz last night.

-BB

That music is coming from aloof

-BB

Who showed it?

Brian Robertson

Oh..Im gonna spank him!

-Mike King distraught over B-Rob showing Einstein at the beach in directing class

I don’t think the play would have worked if one was named Titanic and the other Ice Berg

-Denise Devlin on Top Dog/Under Dog

Do you know why you can't write drama? Because you ARE drama

-Adam Bass at the zenith of melodramatic overeaction

We just don’t have time Cupples!

(when asked why he’s repeatedly searing his mouth on hot food as opposed to letting cool)

-BB

It wasn’t meant to be funny I was just joking

-BB

THE BRIAN BAILEY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

BB: A year long celebration!

Magician: Of What?

BB: Of Me!

By my 23^rd Birthday – Not only will I have been in my first Broadway show –But I also will have developed a new dance genre. Along with the names of Fosse and Bennet, --Bailey, oh and I’ll probably be in a porno – they pay so much.

-BB

If alcohol came in pill form I’d be in heaven

-BB

My face is tight… I feel like I just had botox

-BB

Oh my god it’s like Robutussin

-BB

Man I need to get fucked… right now.

-BB

Am I good? My man, My man --- I play everything! (starts miming the trombone)

-BB

Treakle Tart

(BB gives Alyssa a nickname)

City-Fucking-Beat didn’t come to Chorus-Fucking-Line they only come to Sandy-Fucking-Plays.

-BB

I can never do those thumb movies… because I have no feeling in my thumbs.

-BB

The Steroids are sweepin’ the nation! EVERYBODY’S TAKING THEM!

-BB

You know what we learned in Biology? Alcohol stimulates… It helps you have an erection—don’t be scared I don’t have one right now.

-BB

My blood pressure is busting my head

-BB

What that one movie, it’s sick it’s just sick where they get the hay fever (meaning cabin fever)

--BB

John Lovitz, everybody’s named John Lovitz these days. It’s like John Smith. John Smith and Pocahontas… Pocahontas…Poca-fucking-hontas – that’s what I call her… ho-bag. Alyssa looked like Pocahontas tonight.

-BB

There was a Giant civil war that killed all the parots and the boys…

-BB

I can’t feel my teeth! I’ve got dentures!

-BB

My aunt, She’s turning 90 this year. She was born in 1912… What’s a toucan doing drinking Guinness??

-BB

(Whilst rubbing Chris Wiley’s Sweater)You know Suede comes from pigs.

-BB

yall are the kings… of action

-mcoy

(on giving directions) I just love saying left, right,left right, not knowing a fuck where I’m going…especially on a bike

-BB

I wounder if she has sex with that cat?

-BB

JW: What would happen if we were both drunk?

BB: You know what would happen if we were both drunk? –we’d bring back vaudeville, you know we would. –Magician would perform at the Intermission --- and you, you Cupples! You could do our makeup!

…..And at that point he’s in the red room finger fucking a 14 year old.

-Charlie making a guess on Ashcraft’s activities.

We’re going to put our Indians... Indian.... The food in your fridge.

-Hannah D

Not... the people right? Just checking.

-Charlie

I don’t know how im supposed to argue that, you can’t debate a lasagna

-Comrade Pernivek

I just don't know what to feel right now, what do you think I should be feeling

-Adam Bass

Let me tell you about Clinton Dick… He rode my bus…

-BB talking about a pebbles kid

estatiotion vs ASStition –katie vickers

ehhhh less is more

-sidney in pained slump

last nigh i jammed my toe and half my toe went into my toe thing

-Sid von Burns

nobody asked me about stupid maimed nub stick guy. he had his seeing eye stick...

-L mit

i didn't steal the potatoes but I did have a boner.

-Sid von Burns